Archive for the ‘ Monty Python ’ Category

A swallow carrying a coconut?

[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
KING ARTHUR:
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER : Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER : Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am,… and this is my trusty servant Patsy.
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER : What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!
SOLDIER : You’re using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
SOLDIER : You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through.
SOLDIER: Where’d you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR: We found them.
SOLDIER : Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
SOLDIER : Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER : Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER : What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER : It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER : Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
SOLDIER : Am I right?
ARTHUR: I’m not interested!
SOLDIER : It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER : Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That’s my point.
SOLDIER: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER : But then of course a African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER : Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER : So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER : Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER : No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER : Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER : What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER : Well, why not?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975

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The Knights Who Say "Ni"

Voice over:
Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow’s flight away, had discovered something.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say….. “Ni”!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say “Ni”!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!

Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say “Ni” demand….. a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say “Ni” to you… if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want…..

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!
(dramatic minor chord)


Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery… or else you will never pass through this wood… alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Arthur: Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww…. GO!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975

Ho! Ho! Ho!

It’s Christmas in Heaven,
All the children sing,
It’s Christmas in Heaven,
Hark hark those church bells ring.
It’s Christmas in Heaven,
The snow falls from the sky…
But it’s nice and warm and everyone
looks smart and wears a tie.
It’s Christmas in Heaven,
There’s great films on TV…
`The Sound of Music’ twice an hour
And `Jaws’ I, II, and III.
There’s gifts for all the family,
There’s toiletries and trains…
There’s Sony Walkman Headphone sets
And the latest video games.
It’s Christmas it’s Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day,
Is Christmas day.

It’s Christmas it’s Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day,
It’s Christmas day.

Lyrics by Monty Phyton

E agora, para algo completamente diferente..


The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here’s one.
The Dead Collector: That’ll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There’s your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.
The Dead Collector: ‘Ere, he says he’s not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not.
The Dead Collector: He isn’t.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I don’t want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don’t be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can’t take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can’t.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I’d be at the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when’s your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I think I’ll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Isn’t there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail – 1975

He`s not the Messiah… He`s a very naughty boy!



Monty Python’s Life Of Brian

(Special Edition) (Box Set) – DVD Zona 2

Até que enfim…!

Grande prenda para comemorar os 25 anos de “A Vida de Brian“! Imperdível!

Crucifixion party

Nisus: Mhmm. Crucifixion party. ‘Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let’s not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam,…

Alfonso: Ohhh.

Nisus: …you’ll be there in no time.

Alfonso: Ohhh.

Nisus: Heh.

Alfonso: Ooh.

Nisus: All right, Centurion.

Parvus: Crucifixion party! Wait for it.

Alfonso: Ooh.

Parvus: Crucifixion party, by the left! Forward!

Ben: You lucky bastards!



You lucky, jammy bastards!

Alfonso: Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh.

Saintly Passer-by: Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.

Alfonso: Oh, thank you.

Saintly Passer-by: Uh. H– hey!

Parvus: Oh, hey! What d’you think you’re doing?

Saintly Passer-by: Ah, i– it’s not my cross.

Parvus: Shut up and get on with it!

Mr. Cheeky: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn’t he? That’ll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!